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Sunday, June 25, 2006
The first thing I woke up today, laying on my bed I suddenly felt a surge of unprecedented feeling twindling within me... never had I felt so empty in my life. Today's the only day I was without any activities... I couldn't relate to what happened over the past few months as it seems to have pass over in a blink of a eyelash. I've managed to kept myself so occupied with work, alcohol, school, world cup even....that I thought my life was so fun filled, only till today I question myself of what I have achieved within this short span of my life? I couldn't answer. Although my everyday life has been so packed that I practically have no time for myself and yet today when I woke up to the sound of thunder I looked around the empty room and in midst of my own shadow there wasn't anyone that I can relate to.
I've let several good things pass on in my life that I failed to treasure, all because of myself. My inability to adapt to changes have since taken a toll on me. I felt lonely at times, very lonely that's why I often have to keep myself occupied with friends and friends of opposite sex, I long for companionship in soul comforting, but when opportunities present itself upon me, I'm unsure or afraid of accepting it. I'm afraid that things might be a repetitve cycle, and I'll be alone again to face the wrath. In fact I'm still grieving, and the worse thing is that I don't know what I'm grieving for, my pathetic soul? probably... anyway I've made up my mind to stop making myself feeling such a loser and a loather at times.
It's a good thing though, I've met up with her on several occassions and have seen her progressing and moving on towards her dreams. I felt consoled and yet however, I still see something in her eyes that spell reservation towards her current relationship... but however could be my own perception. I don't why it has been so bloody damn long and I'm still lingering with the fact that I still harbour the intention of her returning... it shouldn't be that way. I don't even dare to tell my friends that I couldn't accept certain girls because of her~! I'll be branded a big time loser by them... haha so you see all these after effects makes me think twice of another relationship.
Now I understand why gay rate is increasing at an alarming rate, haha. It's horrific to learn of my cousin turned gay just like that. I haven't spoken to him for so long and the last time I text him he told me that I was shocked. But anyway not to discriminate gay I still hope that one day he would wake up his idea and lead a normal life. anyway... today... really don't know what to write... So much have changed, even my fish changed! COLOUR! ahah
till then dudez
Cheers
Remembering On|3:17 PM|
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Sunday, March 12, 2006
Finally the truth is revealed...
Sigh... it has been long... the last time I saw you before today was last year on Dec 26th . We met for a dinner just before my flight to Seoul. That was probably the last kiss and hug that you'll ever plant on me again. OH! How I miss that. After that day... we never met .. till today when we met up over lunch and the truth be revealed to me. The real reason that you initiated the break up.... this time round I accepted what you said. Cause all along, I have been questioning myself on what's the real reason behind our breakup... you never really explained it to me... you never did, you just left! To you..probably you thought I'm someone that could easily get over this relationship with, but the truth is not. It has been a long and painful struggle for even a flamboyant person like me... haha and now this excruciating truth reveal upon me left me licking at my wound once more.
I will honour my promise to you and never to reveal what actually happened to you these past 5 months, but let it be known... what you been through hurt me as much as the incidents that have hurt you. We're linked in a way, telepathy or what but I swore I know that you have been going through some bad patches even though you never did quite talk to me about it till today. Things between us have evolved till this stage... I really kick myself for not knowing the truth earlier... I could have changed the outcome! I would have! I would have forgiven you again, I would not let you go through that ordeal... I would have hit him for what he had done to you! Right now ... I'm left with an empty shell, no hope no desire to love anymore. For all these months, I've been suffering deep in me that one consoling factor that keep me going is that one day you would come back to me again.
You wouldn't believe what extent of pain and suffering I've been through for you, these few months while you're away, the room have been kept exactly the way it have been from the day you left. I don't know why? My mum have been naggin at me to put those photographs that we took together away, but I made up excuses to not put it away. And everynight while I'm by the study table reading notes , it's your memories that kept me through the night. I felt that you were there by me... sigh... it's no use saying all those things to you now my dear. For all the things that happened made you think that there's no more chance of us being together again.
I have been socialising now.. more than what I did when we were together but unfortunately none found the right chemistry that we both possessed. Today when I first saw you, I felt the initial urge to go hug you and let time stop at the moment and instantly I knew my feelings for you cannot be deceived. Before coming to meet you, I have told myself that everything have that we used to do together is of a past and that I'm only a friend to you. But the initial feeling was as strong, I was very excited to meet you, I felt very warm about seeing you smiling at me when you saw me by the stairway. The sun was blazing hot, but I need none of that to rekindle whatever feelings that I have for you. It was there all along, no matter how hard I reassure myself. I thought I could be just a friend with you, but the truth is ... I'm still very withdrawn to the fact that now I'm just a friend of you. I couldn't accept the fact of what you did to me and the sufferings that you put me through... and all for a promise that's so vague! How could you!!!!!
I really still miss you so much, yet all I could do now is to wish you all the best! thanks for the good 'o 5 years that you spent with me. It time to really let go of you in my heart...
Remembering On|7:32 PM|
Finally the truth is revealed...
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Who am I waiting for?
It's 02:20am in the morning as I begin to write my new post. Some mixed emotions have been stirring in me for a while, and I couldn't recall the last time I slept well anymore.... it has been too long. Today at this hour, I couldn't care less about grammartical errors as I'm just typing out what I'm feeling now at this point of time. I couldn't sleep as usual... it has been some sort of routine now for me. To try sleep at 12 and still find myself tossing and turning till 2:30,desperate for a call from anyone, it's like I'm waiting for a call that will never come.
Just who am I waiting for? Who am I trying to reach? I need some one to deliver me away from all these agonies that I'm facing. I'm really tired ... really tired. But I couldn't sleep.
Who can deliver me? myself ... myself... no one else would be able to help me. But it is at this time I thought of someone.... someone distant. She could help ... at least I wouldn't feel lonely and empty hearing her smiles and laughter. I know...but I couldn't possibly think of the consequences.
There's a few more I thought I could talk to ... him? neh.. seen him everyday!
I thought of her angelic smile once more... her heart warming kiss. She left me!
'O darling...
dwelling in the deep untouched wood of my heart
settling in the cold lake of my frozen heart
u await the gentle breeze that will sweep you away
forever .... away.
'O darling...
and the doves will weep for us
and the leaves will wither for us
and the rain will wash your presence away
forever.....away
The rain is falling again as I'm composing this...the sound of the water is soothing..... I could feel myself clensed. I miss you so much... my dear, my love one!
End 0240am
Remembering On|2:09 AM|
Who am I waiting for?
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
我饿了！第一篇
这篇故事情节，描写着一位年轻无为的小伙子密名为杰克,而朋友见他对事对人都如此的认真和易触动真情便随口的叫他深情的Jack. 他为人正直和对事对人都有他自己的深感之处，就连一片落叶也会令他连想起许多伤感之事。故事发生在一座杰克最爱去的面条铺，这面条铺位于深在一片竹林里，店面对着一条小溪，环境悠闲的很。常常都有些著名的画家来光顾。
这天杰克带着一脸的忧愁来到了面条铺，他满脑子想着他近来的失恋状况，情绪肖有些不稳定，但他知道事情也已成定局。 这天当他到了楼上坐在他最喜欢的位子时， 杰克不禁的落下了他一生中的第九千九百九十滴眼泪。。。伤感的他往外面看了一看，一阵凉风往他脸上吹来，直入内心肺，杰可对这阵寒风做出了感叹。“今年的冬天来晚了呀。。”杰克悲叹。
他在回头看看那竹叶一片片的掉落更使他淘醉在他内心得感触，然而今天在一棵竹树下来了位老人家，那老人家仿佛在那落叶情景的陪奏下而拉起了他的二胡，边拉也边唱起了一首伤感肺腑的情歌。歌词“在很久很久以前，你拥有我，我拥有你， 在很久很久以前， 你离开我，去远空翯翔，外面的世界很精彩，外面的世界很无奈，当你觉得外面的世很精彩 我会在这里衷心的祝福你。。。。” 杰克好是哀伤，接连的回想起他与小雨的那惊天动地爱情。。。“那难道你是真的忘记了吗？” 啊！！ 杰克问道。
这时注意他很久的那店小二听到他那最后的那问题以为是这熟客等的不耐烦而说来挖苦他的，因此他便急忙的打道而来准备为杰克点菜。“客官！ 你饿了吧？” 那店小二急忙问道。杰克话不多说看了看那脸戴一幅喜旺旺的店小二。。。在会头看了看那位还在拉和唱的起劲的老头，对自己笑了一下。。。“对。。。我饿了。这回我真的饿了！ 店小二也二话不说地赶紧跑去厨房，不到五分钟便从厨房出来，手里还捧着一碗热腾腾的酸辣面，摆在杰克的桌子而说道：“来碗酸辣面吧？”
杰克拿起了双筷子，开始吃起那面条来了。。。店小二见他吃的如此急忙便随口问问：“杰克！你从前都吃的很慢，为何今天却吃的如此冲忙？” 杰克便抬起头以最深情的目光回答：“我曾经拥有过一段美丽的爱情故事，我却开始怀疑他是否真实。。。在人的一生当中，常会有些醒不了的梦，挥不去的痛，只想一生不负人，不负我。而我已做到不负人，但被负的人却是自己呀！从前的我吃着这碗酸辣面能吃的出他那酸甜苦辣的四个主要滋味，那是因为我人生都有过这酸甜苦辣的过程，但如今我吃这碗面却只能吃的到苦和辣的滋味，因此我很想赶紧把它吃完免受这痛苦呀！”说完杰克在望了望外面的落叶长叹了一口气，便又开始吃起面来了。
店小二深知杰克心里该是受过些时间所无法泥补的一些心灵创伤，不知该如何去安抚着杰克只能为他那伤感的言语而悲叹这世界的无奈。。。。（持续）
Remembering On|11:49 PM|
我饿了！第一篇
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
Although you are with someone else,
I want to have my say
Without invading your domain
Or scaring you away.
I respect the choice you made
And all that you decide,
But I would just like you to know
I want you by my side.
As a lake deep in a wood
Awaits a cool, fresh breeze,
I will wait, a patient eye,
While you do as you please.
They say first love is like playing with fire.. how true that is, and the best thing is that you have to experience it to realise how true it means. I was one of the victim of this absurdism, indulging and devoting my entire feelings and love for someone that now set my heart ablaze and bleeding continously. I have spent almost 5 years understanding her and doing what she so pleases, that didn't prove sufficient in keeping her by my side.
My journey starts with her, I wish to end with her. However, she opted to not end with me... I'm in the mid of the race now, close to the finishing line. I don't want to finish the race without her.. I have to halt my progress in search of the lost her, because sometimes we had our up and down and all I want is to make her realise how close she is to the destination.... our promised land. So why did she want to give up at this point?
I think this time... I really have to let her go, but could someone teach me how to start. It is breaking my heart everytime I tell myself to let go. Deep in me I know she has been the one that I want to spent my time with, deep in me I know she's my best friend, my best companion in life till date. Perhaps some might say probably I haven't got exposed to the world besides her.. but I don't think so. I always believe that when you really love someone you got to love her as a whole, be comfortable with her presence, and that is all I seek.
Perhaps I haven't been the best for her , but I have really given out my true feelings for her... she will always dwell in my heart for many more years to come, in hope that one day my love will come back to me as it once was... I miss her so much...
Remembering On|10:10 PM|
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Saturday, August 20, 2005
Mourning Mood!
Whoever share the same mark sentiments in life as me deserve the worthy acknowledgement of me. I'm in a mourning mood today and also marks my first blog since decades I believe. I would like to thank once again to those loyal avid fans that;s still frequenting my blog. I have been burying myself with both work and studies, and yet till this day I still find my shortcomings in achievements in both. Ironical isn;t it? It seems whatever I do, I don't get the fair share of satisfaction that people enjoy over their accomplishments.... I just dont know how to be satisfied!
I have been pushed around, wanting to do more, see more, learn more, earn more... the pressure over me has been at a very high level. Relationships, career, studies, family, friends .... so on and so for, trying to weigh each of their weigtage and trying my best to not neglect any one. As to now I am at the level of breaking down I need a break somehow, I suddenly have the urge to leave everything here as it is, and go to a remote and unfamilar place to live in and start afresh. I need space for my own self, without having to spare any thoughts for people again ... just me and me alone.
I will be self centered, an individualist, idealist, a poetry and a cultured human being that appreciates any thing that is put in sight of me. Sigh....
Tonight there must be people who are getting what they want. I let my oars fall into the water. Good for them. Good for them, getting what they want.
The night is so still that I forget to breathe. The dark air is getting colder. Birds are leaving. Tonight there are people getting just what they need. The air is so still that it seems to stop my heart.
I remember you in a black and white photograph taken this time of some year. You were leaning against a half-shed tree, standing in the leaves the tree had lost. When I finally exhale it takes forever to be over.
Tonight, there are people who are so happy, that they have forgotten to worry about tomorrow. Somewhere, people have entirely forgotten about tomorrow. My hand trails in the water. I should not have dropped those oars. Such a soft wind....
Lovely isn't it. Yet not alot of my friends share the same sentiments I have in life. Yet life it seems is the most complex element that is evolving at different pace through different intepretations. Do we live a life? No, unfortunately we lead a life~ Have you ever notice that ... ? Question posed to you is often poised in such a way as to how you lead your life, but not live a life? Have we question our ability to live a life than to lead a life..?
We don't understand the complexity of life do we? But in fact god made it so simple for us that we forgotten how to live life! We hold the key to life~! Yet we are not wielding it as our weapon instead we rely and got restrained to the complexity that we superimposed on our own. Now that's ironic!!! Animals live life! They do not conformed to any taxations, houseloan, financial crisis, war(apart from some territorial struggle).
Wake up. Day calls you Wake up. Day calls you to your life: your duty. And to live, nothing more. Root it out of the glum night and the darkness that covered your body for which light waited on tiptoe in the dawn.
Stand up, affirm the straight simple will to be a pure slender virgin. Test your bodys metal. cold, heat? Your blood will tell against the snow, or behind the window. The colour in your cheeks will tell. And look at people. Rest doing no more than adding your perfection to another day.
Your task is to carry your life high, and play with it, hurl it like a voice to the clouds so it may retrieve the light already gone from us. That is your fate: to live Do nothing. Your work is you, nothing more.
Remembering On|6:24 PM|
Mourning Mood!
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Tuesday, May 03, 2005
All Russian Affairs!
As the season of the English Barclaycard Premier League draws to a close, with Chelsea lifting of the cup as being eminent, the question is raised. Could this be a dawning of an new era to claim the premier league as its' playground or would it be a one season wonder? I guess the probability of the latter would be one is to a ten, and yet I am keeping the options to the speculations of the reader. Yet through my own observations I think Chelsea would be a major force to be reckoned with in both the domestic and in Europe. With the massive billions of the Russian Roubles that is being injected to the English club, it is hard to imagine what the Portugese magnifesto would consort to acheive within this "sky is the limit" budget. However, as the tabloid reports of Chelsea virtually buying success raves across the English landscape and to Singapore, my heart naturally goes to the fan of the blues. I mean they deserved the title more than any other teams does. Yet whiners and losers amidst of their jealousy spout nonsense to tarnish the well credible team that they have failed to match in terms of fianancial and tactical or should I say sheer class of football.
You see throughout this 2 years when Roman ,the man that Russia loathe and Londoners loves were at helm he push Chelsea to a level that has eluded them for 50 years. I believe that through all this years Chelsea supporters has nothing practically to cheer about, and of most recent the second place in EPL and a semi final appearance in Champions league was all it has to showcase in the last decade. And when they beat Bolton to win the EPL title since 1955, it was a day to be commemorable and celebrated for the justice of football or for the domestic scences of the English football. Yet fans of Man Utd or Arsenal that I know of truely do not appreciate the hard work of what the blues have acheived and instead they go on ranting that Chelsea bought the title. And the irony is that they themselves poured millions of pounds on players that in hope spur them on to another title winnings. So my point is to all fans that think Chelsea bought their way to glory to really sit down and think, some of you guys have had your fair share of glory just like mine though as it did not generate much publicity which chose to focus more on how Man U conceded the title to us in 1995. Through this last decade we have not seen another new title champion besides Arsenal and Man U so we should be welcoming this new Chelsea era with much anticipation, full of the Russian blood and the commitments of a true Russian patriot.
Roman Abramovich the richest man of Russia finally got his dividend after a two season lavish spending. Yet I would like to urge all the fans of Chelsea to give credits to the poor Russian peasant class and that some of his funds that he generated belong to these hard workers that sweat and bleed for the country. On the downfall of the socialism and through privatisation he made his millions and eventually billions, but we could not forget that these wealth were once government assets and Mother Russia's securitisations.As hence I do not condone to the fact that it was Abramovich's credit that bought Chelsea success, and it is only right that all Russians be given a fair share of credit afterall it was once their hardship that resulted in this fund. And i sincerely urge that Abramovich would spend more time in helping to rebuild Russia's economy or football scene than be seen in every Chelsea's match.
This is afterall not his root of origin and that the Russian football scence were in peril, and that he should give more than the meagre sponsorship of CSKA Moscow compared to Chelsea's. This incident has left me with more than a pinch of dissapointment and pain.
Remembering On|7:13 PM|
All Russian Affairs!
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